I have rarely had as much anxiety in my life as in the last three days. This Corona Virus really rattles me. Several very positive and up-beat people I know, shared with me the same feelings I have had these past days:
“I have so much anxiety now. This is not me.” No, this is not like us. At least, not typically.
Typically, I can look at the positive side more quickly. Typically, I know that I can get through this with grace, that things are going to work out in the end, and life will go back to normal. Now, I am not so sure. Typically, I know that I am going to be fine, that my life is bright and beautiful, and my future amazing. Well, not so this time.
For the past three days I have tried in vain to stay up-beat, to see a bright future, to be positive and energetic. Nothing I usually do could bring me the usual peace and calm I have come to cherish.
Today, I asked myself: ” What is the opportunity here? What can I learn from this experience?” And so, I decided to have tea with Uncertainty, to make the unwelcome guest welcome, to invite her in, to look her straight in the face.
She brought me mourning for a life that felt safe and delightful. She brought me tears for the path ahead of me that seemed so sure, so clear, and so promising. She brought me sadness for all those I love and cherish, and for their uncertain future. I cried all the fears out of me, so that I may see them clearly.
And then I realized that I could not have my old certain self back. I realized that it can no longer exist in Uncertainty’s presence. I realized that I am asked to fall apart, to be shattered once again, so that I can be re-made in a new and more fitting way.
As I lay on my back, looking at the bright blue sky, allowing myself to shatter into a million pieces, I could feel myself changing. I grew softer and more permeable. I found a new appreciation for all those people who have to deal with anxiety every single day, and for human beings in war zones who never know what the next day brings. My own uncertainty feels so small in comparison.
And so, here we are as a society. Businesses are closing or going bankrupt, events are being cancelled, and we are asked to stay distant with each other. Our lives were so perfectly organized and foreseeable. We had control and knew pretty much what tomorrow holds. Our patterns were efficient. It was all working wonderfully. We didn’t need to contemplate whether we were still on the right track. It was all already decided many years ago.
Maybe this is an invitation for all of us to face what we fear the most, and to shatter in the face of it. If we were to die tomorrow, what would we regret? Death can be an amazing teacher. Maybe this will help us realize what is truly important to us and those we love and care for. Maybe this will make us re-think how we want to spend our time and energy, and help us realize which path we were meant to take. And just maybe this new version of ourselves will be better equipped, and more willing to take good care of this earth and all the beings who live upon it.
For now, I am called to follow Uncertainty, and see what it has to teach me. May it re-make me into who I came here to be, and enable me to do what I came here to do.
