And Uncertainty invites the Dark Creature
If you are not feeling too worried about Covid-19 right now, skip this post, or read it later when you are!
If, on the other hand, you are struggling with the new reality we are facing, then I hope this post will be helpful to you.
I want to start with a story, as stories can talk to our souls in a way that hits home differently.
Once upon a time in between the worlds, a little girl was chased by monsters tall and terrifying. She ran away as fast as she could, through the forest of falling leaves, but she could not shake the monsters off. She could hear them and feel them breathing down her neck. They were coming after her, closer and closer.
When she could run no longer, she stopped and turned to face them. To her surprise the monsters disappeared into the mist.
When the mist lifted, and she saw the strangest thing. There was a quarry filled with sand. What looked like slaves were mindlessly shoveling sand into wheelbarrows, and then dumping them a few feet farther where another slave would shovel it into their wheelbarrow and dump it a little further still. The little girl could see that this work made no sense, and she was wondering why these people would choose to dump and shovel sand all day long. She saw a man with a long whip walking among these people, urging them on to do their mindless work.
The little girl crept silently to one of the slaves. She could see very clearly that his face was expressionless as if he was under a spell. When she talked to the man, he didn’t answer, as if he wasn’t aware of anything surrounding him, nor of what he was doing.
The little girl heard a tiny little voice chattering. When she looked down, she saw the tiniest 2-inch-tall person talking and gesturing wildly at the feet of the human slave. She lowered her hand, scooped him up, lifted him closer, and said: “What did you just say?” The little being responded in an urgent voice: “I am so afraid to mess this up. I am so worried that my house will fall down. I am so sad that I won’t be able to be there. I am so angry that this is happening. Oh, I am just so scared that….”. And on and on he went, telling her everything he feared. As she listened, the human slave woke up, rubbed his eyes, became aware of where he was and what he was doing, and left to go back to his home.
The little girl realized that all she had to do to free these people was to ask every one of them what they feared. And that’s exactly what she did.
This is a dream I had many, many years ago. This dream taught me that when we shut our fears in, or run away from them, they will either chase us, or control us through our actions. Ever since, I have taken to finding a way to talk about my fears in different ways. I might talk about them to a coach, a good friend, and most often to myself.
Today I chose to go for a long walk. I found a tree who is already waking from her winter sleep. I hugged her tight, and told her (just like the little miniature man did) everything I fear. I told her about my fear of loosing my children, or of leaving them behind. I told her of my fears that this might be our future from now on, hiding in isolation forever or for who knows how long. I told her of my fears of how this will affect my children’s soft hearts. I told her of my fear of loosing those I love all over the world, of my fear of not being able to visit my parents in Germany should they get ill……….and so much more. It took me a long time to empty my heart of all the worry and fear I felt. I wept and cried and howled in pain like a wolf, holding on to that tree. I do things with intensity. I feel deeply and I mourn hard and fast. Everyone goes through mourning in a different way. Some do it slowly and gradually, interspersed with moments of relief. That has never worked for me. For me it’s total, and all at once.
I walked away much lighter. Having faced my monsters, they seem a bit smaller now, more manageable. I have not lost my fears, but knowing them this intimately, having let them move through me and shake me to the core, I now know them. They have become a friend in some strange way. I feel great empathy for them and can hold them now, cradle them with more ease when they come to meet me again. And so, they have lost their power over me. No longer the need to run, no longer the need to deny, no longer the need to pretend they don’t exist. And somehow that allows for other things to move trough me again as well. I can feel my joy for life coming back without having to try to coax it into being.
Often, we can help another human being just by listening. No one can assure us now that all is going to be okay, and we don’t need to. Just give someone the chance to be heard, to voice all their fears. Hold space for them, and for yourself. Maybe this will give us another tool for any difficulties we might face. And when its hard to find a friend, there are a lot of trees out there. Coincidentally, they are extremely good listeners.
